One huge problem people who are overly stressed out have is the ability to say “No” when they need to. Your mother wants you to take Grandma to the store, but you are in the middle of a big work project. (“Stress Management (23) Eliminate Stress by Learning to Say …”) (“Stress Management (23) Eliminate Stress by Learning to Say …”)
Your best friend asks if you would not mind babysitting her kids when you have already made plans with yourself to get a haircut. (“People Pleasers – Just Say No!”)
There is no reason you have to say “Yes” to everyone. “In fact, there are often many times when you should turn them down.” (“People Pleasers – Just Say No!”) If you find yourself agreeing to do things when you really do not want to, you are a people pleaser. In general, this is not a bad trait to have, but it can be a huge stressor. (“Your Health Online What is the Fight/Flight Response? Why …”)
People pleasers think of other people’s needs before their own. They worry about what other people want, think, or need, and spend a lot of time doing things for others. They rarely do things for themselves and feel guilty when they do. (“People Pleasing – Having Trouble Saying No? | KaliMunro.com”) It is hard being a people pleaser.
“People pleasers hold back from saying what they really think or from asking for what they want if they think someone will be upset with them for it.” (“People pleasers hold back from saying what,”) Yet they often spend time with people who do not consider their needs at all. “In fact, people pleasers often feel driven to make insensitive or unhappy people feel better – even at the detriment to themselves.” (“People Pleasers – Just Say No! – EzineArticles”)
Constantly trying to please other people is draining, and many people pleasers feel anxious, worried, unhappy, and tired a lot of the time. (“People Pleasing – Having Trouble Saying No? | KaliMunro.com”) They may not understand why no one does anything for them, when they do so much for others – but they often will not ask for what they need.
This is the trap I fell into. “I found myself always agreeing to do for others but when I needed those same people to help ME out, they were curiously occupied.” (“Stress Management (23) Eliminate Stress by Learning to Say …”)
“A people pleaser may believe that if they ask someone for help and that person agrees, that person would be giving out of obligation, not because they really wanted to.” (“People Pleasing – Having Trouble Saying No? | KaliMunro.com”)
The thinking goes – if they really wanted to help, they would have offered without my asking. This line of thinking happens because people pleasers themselves feel obliged to help and do not always do things because they want to. (“Your Health Online What is the Fight/Flight Response? Why …”)
“Sadly, people pleasers have been taught that their worth depends on doing things for other people.” (“People Pleasers – Just Say No! – EzineArticles”)
It is painful being a people pleaser – believe me, I know! People pleasers are not only extremely sensitive to other people’s feelings, and often take things personally, but they also rarely focus on themselves. (“Breaking Up With Your Best Friend : Stress”)
“”When they do take a moment for themselves, they feel selfish, indulgent, and guilty which is why they are often on the go, rushing to get things done.”” (“No, and don’t ask again… – The Slow Lane Cafe”) (“No, and don’t ask again… – The Slow Lane Cafe”) Because people pleasers accomplish so much and are easy to have a good relationship with, they are often the first to be asked to do things – they are vulnerable to be being taken advantage of.
People pleasers were raised in homes where their needs and feelings were not valued, respected, or considered important. They were often expected as children to respond to or to take care of other people’s needs. (“People Pleasing – Having Trouble Saying No? | KaliMunro.com”) Or they may have been silenced, neglected, or otherwise abused, thus learning that their feelings and needs were not important.
In many cultures, girls are raised to be people pleasers – to think of others’ needs first, and to neglect their own. Many women have at least some degree of people pleasing in them. Men who identified with their mothers often do as well. (“Tradutoringles.com.br | Tradutor de Inglês Para Português …”)
People pleasers’ focus is mostly on others and away from themselves. They often feel empty, or do not know how they feel, what they think, or what they want for themselves. But it is possible to change this pattern and to feel better about yourself. (“People Pleasing – Having Trouble Saying No? | KaliMunro.com”)
I managed to learn how to break out of this cycle. You can do the same thing if you see yourself in the above description. (“People Pleasers – Just Say No!”) You want to know how? It is easier than you think!
First, practice saying NO. This is an especially important word! Say it as often as you can, just to hear the word come out of your mouth. Say it aloud when you are alone. Practice phrases with NO in them, such as, “No, I can’t do that” or “No, I don’t want to go there”. Try it for simple things first, and then build your way up to harder situations. (“People Pleasers – Just Say No! – EzineArticles”)
Stop saying YES, all the time. Try to pause or take a breath before responding to someone’s request. You may want to answer requests with “I need to think about it first, I’ll get back to you” or “Let me check my schedule and call you back”. Use any phrase that you feel comfortable with that gives you time before you automatically respond with YES. (“Stress Management (24) Eliminate Stress by Learning to Say …”)
Take small breaks, even if you feel guilty. You will not always feel guilty, but in the beginning you will. Remember that your mental health is well worth the aggravation you may have to take from others. What is important is you. When you are healthy, those around you will be healthy. (“People Pleasers – Just Say No!”)
Figure out what gives you pleasure. For example, you may like reading magazines, watching videos, going to a park, or listening to music. Give yourself permission to do those things and then enjoy them. (“Tradutor Inglês › Português: Figure out what gives you …”)
Ask someone to help you with something. I know this is a hard one, but you can do it! Everyone else is asking YOU for favors, why shouldn’t YOU ask THEM? Just be tolerant if they turn you down. Just because you have always told them “Yes” doesn’t mean they always have to tell you “Yes.” (“Stress Management (24) Eliminate Stress by Learning to Say …”)
Check in with how you feel and what you are thinking. It is important to be aware of these things; they are part of who you are. “And then try saying what you feel and think more often.” (“People Pleasing – Having Trouble Saying No? | KaliMunro.com”) “Just remember to have a little decorum in certain situations.” (“People Pleasers – Just Say No! – EzineArticles”)
Many people pleasers believe that nobody will like them if they stop doing things for other people. If someone stops liking you because you do not do what they ask, then you are being used by them and do not want them as a friend anyway. (“Stress Management (24) Eliminate Stress by Learning to Say …”)
People will like you for who you are and not simply for what you do. You deserve to take time to yourself, to say NO, and to take care of yourself without feeling guilty. It is within your reach to change – one small step at a time!
I think most people would be in complete agreement when I make this next statement. McDonald’s had it right – You Deserve a Break Today! (“Stress Management (24) Eliminate Stress by Learning to Say …”)
Best Wishes, Coyalita
See Tomorrow: “Take A Break!”
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